


wait until the snow covers me up

by shizuruu



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Highschool AU, Kinda, Multi, but really vague i guess, dirk crushing on jake, exploring the kids' minds and stuff, it's kinda a mess really, jake is aromantic (edited 12.4.2015), jane crushing on jake, really short drabbles from each person's POV i guess, unrequited love and stuff, while dating roxy, who is crushing on dirk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-13
Updated: 2014-04-13
Packaged: 2018-01-19 06:15:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1458988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shizuruu/pseuds/shizuruu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And then there's this boy, this perfect manifestation of everything you're looking for in a relationship, the one and only for you and you tend to watch him from afar, with your shades on your eyes so he can't see you looking.</p>
            </blockquote>





	wait until the snow covers me up

1\. it's hard that you can't see  
  
And then there's this boy, this perfect manifestation of everything you're looking for in a relationship, the one and only for you and you tend to watch him from afar, with your shades on your eyes so he can't see you looking. He spends most of his time with your friends though and you don't want to approach him there, though you have a perfect plan for him, perfect... except it's not perfect enough yet, so it has to wait, yes.  
Roxy says you're getting way too obsessed but she has her own addiction to solve first and you told her that and now she's angry at you, not talking to you, and if she doesn't talk to you, who will? Her girlfriend Jane doesn't like you and sometimes you notice that she too does the thing, the thing with watching that boy a bit too much. And who's gonna be laughing last is what matters because it's pure blackmail material and okay, now you're getting a bit carried away here, but never mind that because those eyes would look so well next to yours. Those hands would feel just the right way in yours and that body needs you and you should stop now, you know, but there's no help and you're twisted and wrong and you don't really care all that much.  
So you keep watching him with his friends, smiling brightly and a stuttering green in his eyes, yellowish hue from the sun and he seems to look at you only for a moment, intense tornado sucking you inside and you can't escape, he's swallowing your soul - and then he turns away.  
  
2\. how much  
  
Janey, oh Janey, Janey in love with Jake and poor Janey, doesn't know that he can't do love, not with you, not with her and certainly not with Dirk and the biggest problem is that you're the only one who sees this because even Jake likes to fool himself and you would feel sorry for him but you don't.  
It's almost like you can see everything and they, they can never see you, you're void and null and that allows you to be anywhere and everywhere because you're just a concept, aren't you? Void and null and numbers and hearts and drinks, tequilla, vodka. Because you can see the truth, because you fall in love and out of love just as easily, because you see all, yet you don't.  
(and you should really give up on him because you can never be together, because he can never be with you, it's not that he doesn't love you, it's just that he doesn't _love_ you and there's a huge difference, you know, you note, you realize)  
And why was it so easy to give up on Jake and so many others, why was it so easy if you just can't stop being so fucking smitten by Strider. So you drink and shots, woo hoo, it's a party full of aching organs and throbbing madness, you can't wait to invite everyone, because so many friends, so little time.  
(what you're doing is hurting him and hurting you yet you can't stop so you message him again and again until he's as guilty and uncomfortable as you will be tomorrow morning)  
And for fuck's sake you have a girlfriend, you should focus on her, but you can still see her gaze lingering on English.  
And you get her, you really do, because you're just like her, desperate and hopeless and the slow loneliness seems to want to swallow you slowly.  
  
3\. the surface of your collarbone  
  
You can't be blind to those glances forever and you guess the Strider boy needs to speak to you (you're not good at reading people, somebody once said to you and you beg to differ) so you corner him in a classroom on a hot summer day and the sun burns into your back as he decides to taste your lips, and you think; fine, why not. And hurting people really isn't your thing so you caress his lips back and he is happy you guess, isn't that what you should be doing? Making people happy that is. So this has to be a good thing because now somebody is happy and you didn't exactly mind.  
And it's 'let's hang out' and you do because you should, is that what people do? And the answer is yes, yes, so you should keep doing it because a gentleman doesn't let other people down, it just wouldn't be fair, so you try not to and the discomfort settling in your bones is definitely not because of your relationship, no, you tell yourself and keep smiling on him and touching his lips.  
His friend - Roxy, of course, the young lady with a drinking issue - she keeps staring at you and Dirk whenever you're together and the next time you're alone she just asks: 'are you sure about Dirk?' and you don't know what to say and you nod because why wouldn't you be?  
And why would you though?  
And time passes quickly and he's kissing down your neck and the discomfort grows and your belly is tight but nothing to do with arousal. Worry overwhelms you and you stop him and you make him drive you home because so many thoughts plague your mind.  
Why are you doing this, god, it makes him happy, but what about you, you forgot about yourself and you matter and you don't come to school the next day and he's texting you, panicked and it's 'hey, sorry, are you okay?, where are you?, why weren't you at school?' and 'oh my god I fucked up please forgive me, don't even have to do that please just let me know that you're okay, we can take it slow if you'd like, I'm sorry I fucked up, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please respond' and you don't and you let out all your anger and frustration and it's not fair (to him or to you nobody knows) and so you just pretend he doesn't exist.  
  
4\. burns in the sunlight  
  
Let's bake a cake for your birthday, she exclaims and what a great day it will be, what a great day indeed for it's your birthday now and as messy as your life has been so far, this has to turn out nicely.    
Let's bake a cake, she suggests just like every year and hangs up a sign that says 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY' and somebody calls you in the middle of decorating the cake on the kitchen table. It's him, it's Jake and it's sweet, you're glad, you were glad, why is he talking about that, he doesn't even know it's your birthday, does he?  
Let's bake a cake, she says just like every year, you and her and Dirk and Jake and no, they're not here, it's not right - and stupid fat ugly little girl, it doesn't matter, don't be so selfish - so you run.  
Let's bake a cake.  
Yeah.  
Let's not.

 

 

* * *

 

 

it's hard that you can't see

how much

the surface of your collarbone

burns in the sunlight

 

i'd love to show you

how much

you are not

mine

**Author's Note:**

> I like to write mildly confusing, short and quick pieces that don't have a point.  
> Happy 413 everyone.


End file.
